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How to Figure Out What You Really Want in Life

2024-01-26 · Long video (solo, talking head or whiteboard) · Ali, Robin Waite · recording, 21:59 · watch on YouTube

Topic: Goals, purpose and life design · mode: Explanation and tutorial · tags: Lesson from a book, His medical past, Sponsor segment present

In the second video of his mini-series on working out what you want, Ali has you take stock of where you are (what works at work and in life, the wheel of life, Robin Waite's truths list), then look back to look forward while avoiding mimetic desire: fulfillment stories, an energy audit and future truths.

What is said

The parts of the video and what is said in each (★ — how much it matters to the video).

00:00:00 — Lost in a forest: know where you are going, where you are and the path; episode two of the mini-series

  • ★★★ Ali says that to understand what you truly want and where you want to go in life, you need a very strong sense of where you are right now. — 00:00:00
  • ★ Ali presents this video as episode two of his mini-series on how to figure out what you really want: after the North Star of episode one, it looks at where you are now. — 00:00:29
  • ★★ Ali says it is easy to overthink what you want in life; just giving his prompts a go, perhaps writing the answers down, brings a little more clarity. — 00:01:19
  • ★★★ To take stock of where you are in life, Ali's first prompt asks what is working and what is not working in your work right now. — 00:01:19

00:01:35 — Where we are right now: what's working and not working in work and in life, with Ali's answers as a junior doctor

  • ★★ Ali advises writing down your answers to these prompts, because writing gives a clarity that only thinking about them does not. — 00:01:49
  • ★★ A few years ago, as a foundation year two doctor in obstetrics and gynaecology at West Suffolk Hospital in Bury St Edmunds, Ali found assisting in emergency caesarean sections fun. — 00:01:49 · Foundation Programme, Obstetrics and gynaecology
  • ★★ As a foundation year two doctor, Ali did not look forward to going in, had the Sunday night scaries and drove an hour each way, listening to Brandon Sanderson audiobooks. — 00:02:28 · Brandon Sanderson
  • ★★ In his foundation year two, with no sense yet of where his medical career should go, Ali felt on a hamster wheel, waiting for the year to end to decide what he wanted. — 00:02:28 · Foundation Programme
  • ★★ Ali's second stock-taking prompt asks what is working and not working in your life, which usually means health and relationships, though some include play, joy or growth. — 00:03:14

00:03:57 — The Wheel of Life: ten areas rated 0 to 10, Ali's scores, marginal improvements and the happiness of pursuit

  • ★★★ Ali's wheel of life splits life into health (body, mind, soul), relationships (romance, family, friends) and work (mission, money, growth), plus joy outside the wheel, each rated from 0 to 10. — 00:04:04
  • ★★ Ali says his book Feel-Good Productivity has just become a New York Times and Sunday Times bestseller, and thanks viewers for their support. — 00:04:04 · Feel-Good Productivity (book)
  • ★★ Ali rates each wheel-of-life area by how aligned you feel or how satisfied you are with your progress: someone working towards becoming a billionaire might rate money high already. — 00:04:48
  • ★★ Ali's wheel of life scores now: body 9, having just signed up with a personal trainer, mind 10, soul 4, romance 9, family 7, friends 5, mission 9, money 10, growth 6, joy 6. — 00:05:18
  • ★★ Doing the wheel of life live, Ali sees his friends score is only five because he has not seen some friends in a while; in London for the next month, he should reach out. — 00:05:44 · London
  • ★ Ali often runs through his wheel of life scores in his head, waiting in line or on the toilet, and usually spots one clear area to work on. — 00:05:44
  • ★★ Ali suspects that people who rate themselves very low in every area of the wheel of life are harsh on themselves: kind to friends and family, critical of themselves. (hedged) — 00:06:37
  • ★★★ With low wheel-of-life scores, Ali advises asking what makes an area a three rather than a zero, then what it would take to reach four or five: aim for marginal improvement, not 10. — 00:06:59
  • ★★ Ali says figuring out what we want is often figuring out the marginal improvements we want in an area, such as raising a small income by 10 or 20% rather than aiming for hundreds of thousands. — 00:06:59
  • ★★ It is not the pursuit of happiness but the happiness of pursuit, Ali says: feeling yourself progress towards a goal you have set is profoundly motivating, so taking action lifts motivation. — 00:07:48

00:08:10 — Sponsor read for Skillshare

  • ★★ Ali's last exercise for working out where you are is the truths exercise, shown in a clip from a podcast interview with his friend and business coach Robin Waite. — 00:09:50

00:10:09 — The truths exercise, from a podcast clip with Robin Waite

  • ★★ Ali's truths about himself include enjoying books, his YouTube channel and podcast, medical school, vaguely enjoying doctoring, chess, guitar, musical theatre, Ed Sheeran and Taylor Swift, and wanting to release an album. — 00:10:42
  • ★★ Robin Waite says you could list hundreds or thousands of things you know to be true about yourself, and nobody can take them away. — 00:11:04
  • ★★★ Ali calls the truths exercise really valuable: when you feel you are not making progress, listing truths about yourself shows who you are and how far you have come. — 00:11:38
  • ★★ Ali says the truths should be positive statements: what you have and who you are, not what you lack or who you are not. — 00:11:38
  • ★★★ Ali names mimetic desire, René Girard's theory explained in Luke Burgis's book Wanting, as one major mistake people make when thinking about what they really want. — 00:12:07

00:12:08 — How to actually know what you want: the mistake of mimetic desire

  • ★★ Mimetic desire, Ali explains, means our wants are shaped by people around us: if a friend or neighbour buys a Tesla Model 3, you become much likelier to want one. — 00:12:50
  • ★★ Because humans are social, Ali says some mimesis is in almost everything we do, but some strategies make sure what we work towards is authentic to us. — 00:12:50

00:13:18 — Fulfillment stories from Wanting; Ali's medical school pantomime

  • ★★ Luke Burgis (quoted): In Wanting, Luke Burgis says the first mark of a fulfillment story is an action: you took concrete action as the main protagonist rather than passively taking in an experience. — 00:13:20
  • ★★ Luke Burgis (quoted): In Wanting, Luke Burgis gives as the second mark of a fulfillment story that you did it well, with excellence, by your own estimation and nobody else's, however small it seems. — 00:13:52
  • ★★ Luke Burgis (quoted): In Wanting, Luke Burgis gives as the third mark of a fulfillment story that it brought a deep sense of fulfillment, maybe even joy, lasting rather than a fleeting endorphin rush. — 00:13:52
  • ★★★ Ali's first method against mimetic desire is to find three to five fulfillment stories, times you did something well that brought fulfillment, which show what you want apart from what society says. — 00:14:20
  • ★★★ One of Ali's fulfillment stories is co-directing the medical school pantomime with his friend Will in his fifth year: about a hundred students from all years made a medical parody of Hercules. — 00:14:53
  • ★★ About seven years on, the pantomime still almost brings a tear to Ali's eye: unpaid volunteers worked together on something greater than themselves, and he felt he was levelling up. — 00:15:14
  • ★★ The pantomime story tells Ali he wants more experiences of levelling up and working with people towards something bigger than any of them individually. — 00:15:49
  • ★★★ Ali's second method is an energy audit: go through your calendar for the last two weeks and mark each activity plus or double plus if it gave energy, minus or minus minus if it drained it. — 00:15:49 · energisers and drainers

00:15:57 — The energy audit: websites energise him, spreadsheets and video games drain him

  • ★ Ali thinks the energy audit comes from Grace Lordan's Think Big; Designing Your Life has a similar Good Time Journal for rating energy and engagement in each activity. (hedged) — 00:16:18
  • ★★★ Ali says the energy audit matters most for work: the work activities that give you energy show what kind of work you actually want to do. — 00:16:42 · energisers and drainers
  • ★★ Tinkering on website landing pages, design and development gives Ali a lot of energy, which he thinks is why he has tinkered with websites for nearly 15 to 17 years. — 00:17:04 · landing page
  • ★★ Detail-oriented work and going through spreadsheets and data tend to drain Ali's energy rather than give it. — 00:17:04
  • ★★ When Ali audits his energy after spells of playing video games, he finds, to his annoyance, that gaming drains his energy a lot of the time. — 00:17:47 · energisers and drainers
  • ★★ Ali wonders whether his wish to play more video games is just clinging to an identity he had at 14. (hedged) — 00:17:47
  • ★★ Video games give Ali joy, and he says it is totally okay to do things that drain your energy if they also give you joy. — 00:18:13
  • ★★ Ali says the things we think will give us energy often do not, a tip for dealing with burnout that his book Feel-Good Productivity covers. — 00:18:13 · burnout, Feel-Good Productivity (book)

00:18:33 — Truth statements for 12 months from now, from the rest of the Robin Waite conversation

  • ★★ Asked by Robin Waite what he wanted to be true in 12 months, Ali said a published author with a book he is proud of, a business with firmer foundations, and having lived in Austin. — 00:18:42
  • ★★★ Robin Waite advises writing future truths as if they had already happened ("I have", "I am"), since saying "I'm going to" gives you permission to put them off. — 00:19:05
  • ★★ Robin Waite keeps a list of about 100 truths, present and future, and goes back to it in moments of self-doubt; it makes him feel good and so more likely to act. — 00:19:32
  • ★★★ Since the Robin Waite conversation seven months earlier, Ali has become a published author and streamlined his business operations, but lived in Austin for two weeks rather than a few months. — 00:20:01

00:20:27 — Success is working towards what matters to you and enjoying the journey; episode three next

  • ★★ Ali says asking what you would like to be true about yourself 12 months from now gives a more authentic sense of what you really want. — 00:20:27

  • ★★★ Ali's definition of success: working towards the things that matter to you and enjoying the journey along the way, on your own terms rather than society's accolades and status. — 00:20:27

    “success is working towards the things that matter to you and enjoying the journey along the way”

  • ★★ Ali says you can do whatever you set your mind to but not everything you want, so it is worth drilling down to what you actually want, your North Star. — 00:20:56

  • ★★ Ali says that once we know the goal and what we want, the how takes care of itself: the process of getting there is easy enough to figure out. — 00:21:22
  • ★ Episode three of Ali's mini-series covers getting from where you are to where you want to go through a structured process of dreaming and goal setting. — 00:21:22

Threads in this video

Mentioned

Central: energisers and drainers · fulfillment story · mimetic desire · Robin Waite · truths exercise · wheel of life

Also: People: Brandon Sanderson · Ed Sheeran · Grace Lordan · Luke Burgis · René Girard · Taylor Swift · Will (student, mentioned from 2019)

Projects: Addenbrooke's Hospital Pantomime

Works: Designing Your Life · Feel-Good Productivity (book) · Hogwarts Legacy · Think Big · Wanting

Organizations: The New York Times · The Sunday Times · West Suffolk Hospital

Concepts: burnout · Foundation Programme · landing page · Obstetrics and gynaecology

Places: Austin · Bury St Edmunds · London

Products: Baldur's Gate · Hinge · Tesla Model 3 · World of Warcraft

Also centred on wheel of life: How to Make Next Year The Best Year of Your Life · What does your wheel of life look like? · Change Your Life by Journalling - 10 Powerful Questions

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