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5 Habits for Happier Relationships - The Oxytocin Effect

2024-11-05 · Long video (solo, talking head or whiteboard) · Ali, TJ Power · recording, 15:30 · watch on YouTube

Topic: Relationships and personal life (also: Mindset, motivation and happiness) · mode: Explanation and tutorial · tags: Evidence-based framing, Feel-Good Productivity thesis, Family, Sponsor segment present

In the second episode of his four-part series with neuroscientist TJ Power, Ali explains oxytocin, TJ's law of oxytocin (make someone else happy every day) and five habits to raise it: acts of kindness, hugs, eyes and ears, celebrating wins and gratitude.

What is said

The parts of the video and what is said in each (★ — how much it matters to the video).

00:00:00 — Why oxytocin is so important; TJ Power and the four-part brain-chemical series

  • ★★ TJ Power says oxytocin is the chemical designed to connect humanity, with a big effect on our relationships, our confidence and how we connect with ourselves. — 00:00:00

00:00:29 — Part one: the law of oxytocin

  • ★★ The second episode of Ali's four-part brain-chemical series with TJ Power is about oxytocin and five ways to boost it to feel more connected and happier. — 00:00:29
  • ★★ TJ Power calls oxytocin the most desirable chemical at the human core: it drove humans to have relationships, and much of what we seek beyond wealth is love, family and relationships. — 00:00:29
  • ★★ TJ Power says that when your oxytocin is satisfied your brain is much calmer and more confident. — 00:00:29

  • ★★★ TJ Power's law of oxytocin: make someone else in your life happy every day; helping someone feel happy raises oxytocin in them, and we feel far happier when we contribute to their life. — 00:01:14

    “the law of oxytocin is to make someone else in your life happy every day”

00:01:43 — Action one: acts of kindness, the generosity study and the nurses' tea

  • ★★ Ali describes a 2007 study in which people given oxytocin by nasal spray gave strangers more money in computer games than a placebo group: they were 80% more generous. — 00:02:42
  • ★★ Ali says being more generous builds better relationships and releases more oxytocin in a positive feedback loop, so boosting oxytocin starts with random acts of kindness. — 00:02:42
  • ★★ Ali recalls an episode of Friends in which Joey tells Phoebe there is no selfless good deed, and Phoebe discovers it is impossible to do something for someone else without feeling good yourself. — 00:03:09
  • ★★ TJ Power advises keeping in mind regularly how you are serving other people, such as family, friends, colleagues and kids, because the more you serve others the happier you feel. — 00:03:09
  • ★★ When working as a doctor, Ali found it an uplift to his own day to offer the nurses a cup of tea whenever he made his own. — 00:03:38
  • ★★ Making the nurses tea cost Ali nothing and lifted his energy and mood, which made a real difference to his work during the dark days of the pandemic. — 00:04:07 · COVID-19
  • ★★ In his book Feel-Good Productivity Ali says people are a source of energy: we can turn work into a source of energy through random acts of kindness or by connecting it to its impact on someone else. — 00:04:36 · Feel-Good Productivity (book), feel-good productivity (concept)
  • ★★★ Ali suggests two questions: at the start of the day, "What can I do to make someone else happy today?", and at the end, "What simple contribution have I made today?" — 00:04:36

00:05:06 — Sponsor read for Ali's own Productivity Lab

00:06:33 — Action two: the hug habit

  • ★★ Ali says the lack of hugs, high fives and handshakes under pandemic social distancing probably contributed to the unhappiness seen during the pandemic, beyond its health effects. (hedged) — 00:07:02 · COVID-19
  • ★★ Ali says physical touch reduces short-term stress and improves immune function, and massages have been found to help with depression. — 00:07:02
  • ★★ Ali cites the Longing for Touch questionnaire: 86% of people wanted more physical touch during the pandemic, and around 80% still did after it. — 00:07:02 · COVID-19
  • ★★ TJ Power says audiences at his talks, about 50,000 people in all, rate their hugs at 1.6 a day on average, while research shows we need more like five a day. — 00:07:32
  • ★★ Hugging releases oxytocin, Ali says, and he thinks he read that a six-second hug gives the optimal oxytocin release. (hedged) — 00:07:32

00:08:01 — Action three: eyes and ears, phones, social media and active listening

  • ★★ After reading about six-second hugs a couple of years ago, Ali gave friends really long hugs, felt embarrassed explaining why, and lost the habit, which he thinks he should reinstate in a non-weird way. — 00:08:01
  • ★★ Ali names phones and social media as the biggest culprits that stop us connecting meaningfully with others and keep oxytocin from rising, for three main reasons. — 00:08:01
  • ★★ First, Ali says, phones and social media reinforce individualistic behaviour: thinking about our profiles and likes and comparing our lives with others, bad for mental health and oxytocin. — 00:08:36 · Mental health
  • ★★ Second, Ali says, phones and social media have been shown to make us feel pretty lonely. — 00:08:36
  • ★★ TJ Power says phones moderately satisfy our need to connect, taking away the desire to pursue meaningful connection; eventually the chemical kicks back and increases feelings of loneliness. — 00:08:36
  • ★★ Third, Ali says, phones are a barrier between us and the people we are with: they stop us making eye contact and listening actively. — 00:09:05
  • ★★★ Ali passes on the tip "eyes and ears": make eye contact and actively listen, taking time to listen and then respond instead of formulating your reply while the other person talks. — 00:09:35
  • ★★ Ali admits he falls into the trap himself: when his watch pings with a Slack or WhatsApp notification, his mind goes to it instead of the person in front of him, something he needs to work on. — 00:10:04 · Slack, WhatsApp

00:10:33 — Action four: celebrate the wins, and Bill Perkins's advice

  • ★★ A year or a year and a half earlier, in Austin, Chris Williamson of the Modern Wisdom podcast took Ali on a boat with his friend Bill Perkins, author of Die With Zero, whom Ali asked for life advice. — 00:10:33
  • ★★★ Bill Perkins (quoted): Bill Perkins told Ali his best return on investment ever was getting a relationship therapist, best seen as a personal trainer who prevents injury; he recommends one especially when a relationship has no problems. — 00:11:02
  • ★★★ The week after meeting Bill Perkins, Ali decided to book a relationship therapist; he and Izzy, now his wife, have seen the therapist regularly for the last 12 months. — 00:11:31
  • ★★ Bill Perkins (quoted): Bill Perkins's second piece of advice to Ali was that we should celebrate more wins. — 00:11:31
  • ★★ TJ Power says celebrating wins makes for a more positive experience in the brain, raising confidence as we talk to ourselves more positively, and improves our capacity to succeed. — 00:12:01
  • ★★ Ali says high achievers like him tend not to celebrate their wins: after reaching a goal they move straight on to the next one, on the hedonic treadmill of goal achievement. — 00:12:30
  • ★★ Ali wants the voice in our heads to be kinder and to celebrate our own wins, since we often talk to ourselves in a way we would never talk to friends. — 00:12:59
  • ★★★ TJ Power's best recommendation for celebrating wins: as the last thing at night before sleep, review your day and ask what your primary achievement was, which need not be anything massive. — 00:12:59

00:13:28 — Action five: thoughts of gratitude

  • ★★ TJ Power says connecting with others creates oxytocin, but we can also connect with ourselves, and many people struggle with that relationship, being super critical of themselves. — 00:13:28
  • ★★ Ali says negative comparisons, of where we are with where we want to be or with other people, cause us unhappiness, and the opposite of this is gratitude. — 00:13:58
  • ★★ Ali cites a study he read a few years ago finding that gratitude journaling every day had the same effect on happiness as doubling your salary, though he does not know how replicable it was. (hedged) — 00:13:58
  • ★★ Ali weaves gratitude into all his journaling: his morning manifesto, part of his productivity system, asks what he is grateful for. — 00:14:27
  • ★★★ On TJ Power's recommendation, Ali has been trying to habit-stack grateful thoughts onto brushing his teeth for two minutes, such as being grateful for his cup of coffee. — 00:14:27

Threads in this video

Where the stories that moved here went next

Mentioned

Central: active listening · Bill Perkins · law of oxytocin · oxytocin · relationship therapy · TJ Power

Also: People: Chris Williamson · Izzy Sealey

Projects: Productivity Lab

Works: Die With Zero · Feel-Good Productivity (book) · Friends · Longing for Touch questionnaire · Modern Wisdom

Organizations: Dose Lab

Concepts: COVID-19 · feel-good productivity (concept) · gratitude journaling · habit stacking · hedonic adaptation · loneliness · Mental health · morning manifesto · placebo effect · social distancing

Places: Austin

Characters: Joey Tribbiani · Phoebe Buffay

Products: Slack · WhatsApp

Also centred on Bill Perkins: You’re Saving for a Life You’ll Never Live

Also centred on TJ Power: How to Reset Your Dopamine (And Change Your Life) · 5 Easy Habits That Could Transform Your Life · Why You’re Overwhelmed - 5 Ways to Beat Stress

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