My honest advice to someone who feels behind in life

2024-06-07 · Long video (solo, talking head or whiteboard) · Ali, Ali Abdaal (channel) · recording, 22:41 · watch on YouTube

Topic: Goals, purpose and life design (also: Mindset, motivation and happiness, Health, sleep and habits) · mode: Explanation and tutorial · tags: Lesson from a book, Sponsor segment present

Ali walks through his hour-long talk with a friend he calls Jane who felt behind in life: sketch an ideal day and an ideal week, accept where you start, then take one small and one big action step, such as Opal against scrolling, a 7 a.m. wake-up and delivered healthy meals as keystone habits.

What is said

The parts of the video and what is said in each (★ — how much it matters to the video).

00:00:00 — A friend who feels behind in life; coach, not therapist

★★ A few days before the video, a friend of Ali's felt she was falling behind in life and not living a life she loved, and they spent an hour going through a step-by-step method together. — 00:00:00
★★ Ali thinks of himself these days more as a coach than a therapist: a therapist focuses on the past, while a coach takes you as you are and looks at what you can do now for a brighter future. — 00:00:58

00:01:18 — The ideal day in Google Calendar; Opal against scrolling; nudges

★★★ When someone cannot say what a life they would love looks like, Ali gets more specific: sketch out an ideal weekday together in a Google Calendar window. — 00:01:26
★★ Ali, who also found he is not a morning person, suggests letting go of waking at 5 a.m.: decide what time you would like to wake up if you were not concerned about what others or a life guru would say. — 00:01:59
★★★ Ali recommends Opal, an app that blocks distracting apps on the phone: Jane set it up there and then to block social media apps from 9 p.m. to 10 a.m. the next morning. — 00:03:59
★★★ Ali's variant of the two-minute rule: if something takes less than two minutes, do it right now, because otherwise you will forget and life will get in the way. — 00:04:28
★★ Ali says you can always get around any system you create for your life; the point of an app blocker is to nudge your behaviour towards what you actually want. — 00:04:50 · friction
★★ Unplugging a PlayStation and putting it in a cupboard is a nudge, Ali says: the extra faff of setting it up again means that in low-energy moments we default to the easy thing. — 00:05:19 · friction
★★ A few days after installing the free app blocker, Jane messaged Ali that she had not scrolled at all. — 00:05:51

00:05:59 — Skillshare sponsor read

00:07:13 — The ideal week and a compelling vision of next week

★★★ Ali calls the ideal week exercise unreasonably effective: repeat the ideal day exercise for every day from Monday to Sunday. — 00:07:19 · Trident calendar system
★ Doing the ideal week exercise, Jane realised she wanted to see friends on Wednesday evenings, family on Saturday afternoons and to do something for herself on Sunday mornings. — 00:07:59
★★★ Saying he is not a therapist and to take it with a pinch of salt, Ali says a compelling vision of the future to drive towards can really help when life feels stuck: it makes life feel worth living. (hedged) — 00:08:54
★★★ Ali likes the ideal day and ideal week exercises because you can always imagine next week (week of 10 June 2024): they stay within the bounds of what you can feasibly do now, not a dream world where you quit your job. — 00:09:23
★ Jane told Ali that if she could follow her ideal week most weeks, she would feel a lot happier than she did. — 00:09:52
★★ Ali cites "start where you are", a concept from the first chapter of Designing Your Life by Bill Burnett and Dave Evans, which he calls a really good book. — 00:10:17

“Start where you are.”

00:10:39 — Start where you are: the arrival fallacy, the facts and the story, the backpack of guilt

★★★ Thinking you will be happy only once you reach your ideal week is the arrival fallacy, Ali says: the belief that arriving at a particular destination is where you will magically be happy. — 00:10:49
★★ If you are unhappy in your current circumstances, Ali says, chances are you will also be unhappy in your ideal ones, though removing stresses and causes of pain does increase happiness. — 00:11:16
★★★ Ali says to accept where you are: what your life currently is is just the facts, and, as Stoicism and other schools of philosophy teach, the story we add to the facts is what causes misery. — 00:11:41 · stoicism
★★ Accepting where you are does not take away the drive to improve, Ali says, but lets you change your circumstances without a burden of guilt and shame at every step. — 00:12:10
★★ Ali likens guilt and shame to a very heavy backpack carried from point A to point B: every step is weighed down by telling yourself you suck, you are a loser or you are falling behind your friends. — 00:12:33
★★ Ali gives Bill Burnett and Dave Evans's point in Designing Your Life: first accept your starting point, and while heading for a destination, aim to enjoy the journey along the way. — 00:13:01

00:13:29 — The free 20 lessons email course

00:13:58 — One small, one big: below baseline versus baseline, momentum before motivation

★★★ Ali's action-step mantra is "one small, one big", an idea he took from Tony Robbins: ask what one small and one big action step you could take this week (week of 3 June 2024) to go one step along the path. — 00:14:26

“One small, one big.”
★★★ Ali says you need to know which kind of advice you need: if you are below baseline, where life is not even reasonably good, start with very small steps so as not to be overwhelmed. — 00:16:08
★★ For someone at baseline who wants an amazing life, Ali asks bigger-picture questions: what they want on their gravestone, in their obituary or said at their funeral, and what big dreams they might accomplish in ten years. — 00:16:33
★★ In Ali's experience, getting someone below baseline to think really big about their life and take big action tends to make them feel overwhelmed and even more stressed. — 00:17:03
★★ Citing Albert Bandura's idea of self-efficacy, which he discusses in his book Feel-Good Productivity, Ali says someone below baseline probably has low self-confidence and self-efficacy. (hedged) — 00:17:03 · Feel-Good Productivity (book)
★★★ Tiny changes and tiny wins create momentum that generates motivation, Ali says: momentum leads to motivation, not the other way around, and the virtuous cycle lets you take bigger steps over time. — 00:17:51

“momentum leads to motivation not the other way around”
★★ For someone below baseline, Ali thinks it is wrong to take advice to suddenly start waking at 4 a.m., a big change he really struggles with himself. — 00:18:20

00:18:50 — Keystone habits: waking at 7 a.m., delivered healthy meals

★★★ For the one big action step, Ali looks for a keystone habit, which James Clear discusses in Atomic Habits: the one habit that, like a first domino, makes a bunch of other things take care of themselves. — 00:18:50 · James Clear, Atomic Habits
★★ As an example of a keystone habit, Ali suggests changing into your workout clothes as soon as you get home from work, which makes you more likely to go to the gym. — 00:18:50
★★ Ali says forcing yourself to wake up at 7 a.m. every day works as a keystone habit: you come to dislike feeling grim and automatically start going to bed earlier and on time. — 00:19:59
★★ If work starts at nine or ten, waking at seven gives you two or three hours to yourself in the morning for self-care and personal projects, Ali says. — 00:20:20
★★★ Ali swears by a weekly delivery of healthy packaged meals that puts your diet on autopilot; his ready meals have about 600 calories and 50 grams of protein each and end up costing a lot less than a takeaway habit would. — 00:21:19
★★ Ali calls healthy eating a halo habit that creates a halo around his day, boosting his self-confidence and nudging him towards healthier behaviour. — 00:21:48

00:22:14 — Journaling prompts playlist and sign-off

In the description and comments

★ Ali Abdaal (channel): Answering a viewer who teased Jane for wanting to work five days a week, the channel says her ideal week needed to be realistic in the short term. — creator comment

Threads in this video

restate · How do you design the life you want? — When someone cannot say what a life they would love looks like, Ali gets more specific: sketch out an ideal weekday together in a Google Calendar window. (00:01:26)
refine · How do you design the life you want? — Ali likes the ideal day and ideal week exercises because you can always imagine next week (week of 10 June 2024): they stay within the bounds of what you can feasibly do now, not a dream world where you quit your job. (00:09:23)
refine · What morning routine should you have? — Ali, who also found he is not a morning person, suggests letting go of waking at 5 a.m.: decide what time you would like to wake up if you were not concerned about what others or a life guru would say. (00:01:59)
restate · How do you stop your phone and social media from eating your time? — Ali recommends Opal, an app that blocks distracting apps on the phone: Jane set it up there and then to block social media apps from 9 p.m. to 10 a.m. the next morning. (00:03:59)
refine · How do you stop your phone and social media from eating your time? — Ali says you can always get around any system you create for your life; the point of an app blocker is to nudge your behaviour towards what you actually want. (00:04:50)
restate · How do you beat procrastination? — Ali's variant of the two-minute rule: if something takes less than two minutes, do it right now, because otherwise you will forget and life will get in the way. (00:04:28)
restate · How should you plan your week? — Ali calls the ideal week exercise unreasonably effective: repeat the ideal day exercise for every day from Monday to Sunday. (00:07:19)
restate · How do you become happier? — Thinking you will be happy only once you reach your ideal week is the arrival fallacy, Ali says: the belief that arriving at a particular destination is where you will magically be happy. (00:10:49)
refine · How do you accept yourself? — Ali says to accept where you are: what your life currently is is just the facts, and, as Stoicism and other schools of philosophy teach, the story we add to the facts is what causes misery. (00:11:41)
refine · Should you set goals, and how? — Ali's action-step mantra is "one small, one big", an idea he took from Tony Robbins: ask what one small and one big action step you could take this week (week of 3 June 2024) to go one step along the path. (00:14:26)
refine · What should you do if you feel behind in life? — Ali says you need to know which kind of advice you need: if you are below baseline, where life is not even reasonably good, start with very small steps so as not to be overwhelmed. (00:16:08)
restate · How do you find your purpose or what to do with your life? — For someone at baseline who wants an amazing life, Ali asks bigger-picture questions: what they want on their gravestone, in their obituary or said at their funeral, and what big dreams they might accomplish in ten years. (00:16:33)
restate · Do you need motivation or discipline to get things done? — Tiny changes and tiny wins create momentum that generates motivation, Ali says: momentum leads to motivation, not the other way around, and the virtuous cycle lets you take bigger steps over time. (00:17:51)
refine · How do you build a good habit and break a bad one? — For the one big action step, Ali looks for a keystone habit, which James Clear discusses in Atomic Habits: the one habit that, like a first domino, makes a bunch of other things take care of themselves. (00:18:50)
refine · How do you sleep better? — Ali says forcing yourself to wake up at 7 a.m. every day works as a keystone habit: you come to dislike feeling grim and automatically start going to bed earlier and on time. (00:19:59)
restate · What should you eat to stay healthy? — Ali swears by a weekly delivery of healthy packaged meals that puts your diet on autopilot; his ready meals have about 600 calories and 50 grams of protein each and end up costing a lot less than a takeaway habit would. (00:21:19)
refine · How do you exercise consistently and get in shape? — As an example of a keystone habit, Ali suggests changing into your workout clothes as soon as you get home from work, which makes you more likely to go to the gym. (00:18:50)
restate · How do you find time for projects alongside a full-time job? — If work starts at nine or ten, waking at seven gives you two or three hours to yourself in the morning for self-care and personal projects, Ali says. (00:20:20)
restate · How do you build a good habit and break a bad one? — Unplugging a PlayStation and putting it in a cupboard is a nudge, Ali says: the extra faff of setting it up again means that in low-energy moments we default to the easy thing. (00:05:19)

Mentioned

Central: Designing Your Life · Jane · keystone habit · Opal · Trident calendar system

Also: People: Albert Bandura · Bill Burnett · Dave Evans · James Clear · Robin Sharma · Tony Robbins

Works: Atomic Habits · Feel-Good Productivity (book) · The 5AM Club

Concepts: arrival fallacy · friction · gravestone technique · self-efficacy · stoicism · two-minute rule

Products: Google Calendar

Also centred on Opal: Stop Scrolling: How to Take Back Control from Your Phone · THIS Cured My iPhone Addiction

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