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6 Lessons I've Learned About Online Dating

2023-04-28 · Long video (solo, talking head or whiteboard) · Ali, Logan Ury · recording, 15:08 · watch on YouTube

Topic: Relationships and personal life · mode: List of tips or lessons · tags: Lesson from a book, Evidence-based framing, Sponsor segment present

Ali gives a six-step process for finding a long-term partner through online dating: choose an app (Hinge, with premium), build a specific and honest profile, match without rigid filters or spray and pray, chat towards meeting, plan interesting dates and always go on a second, and reflect on how a date made you feel; clips of his interview with Logan Ury support the tips.

What is said

The parts of the video and what is said in each (★ — how much it matters to the video).

00:00:00 — Why care about dating: the Harvard happiness study and choosing a partner intentionally

  • ★★ Ali cites one of the world's longest studies on happiness, started by Harvard in the 1930s, which followed more than 700 people over 80 years and found the quality of their relationships the most important factor in happiness. — 00:00:00
  • ★★★ To those who find it strange to be intentional and analytical about finding a life partner, Ali answers that it is one of the most important decisions of your life, if not the most important. — 00:00:00
  • ★★ Ali says he is no dating expert but has interviewed many relationship experts on his podcast, read many books on dating and relationships, and has 10 years of personal experience of dating apps. — 00:00:29

00:00:58 — Why consider online dating: how couples met, 1995 versus 2017

  • ★★ Ali cites Stanford research on how heterosexual couples in the US met: in 1995 only 2% met online, against 33% through friends and 19% at a bar or restaurant; in 2017, 39% met online. — 00:00:58
  • ★ Ali suspects the share of couples who meet online has grown even higher since 2017. (speculative) — 00:00:58
  • ★★★ To friends who would rather meet someone in a coffee shop, Ali points out they never talk to strangers there; with busy, urban lives, online dating is a very reasonable way to widen the pool of prospects. — 00:01:27

00:01:56 — Step one: choose a dating platform and buy premium

  • ★★ Among dating apps in the US, Tinder, Bumble and Plenty of Fish seem to be the market leaders, Ali says; smaller religion-specific apps include Muzz for Muslims and JSwipe for Jews. (hedged) — 00:01:56
  • ★★ Each dating app has its own culture, Ali says: in London Tinder is mostly seen as a hookup app, while most people he knows in London who recently got into relationships met through Hinge. — 00:02:26 · London
  • ★★★ For newcomers to dating apps Ali recommends Hinge, the app he used longest, or trying Tinder, Bumble, Plenty of Fish and others to see which suits you. — 00:02:26
  • ★★★ Ali recommends buying the premium subscription of your dating app: choosing a partner is the biggest decision of your life, and premium usually lets you see who liked you first and saves time. — 00:02:55
  • ★★ Ali likes that Hinge lets you show your personality through prompts about yourself, while Tinder is broadly focused on looks, though he says every dating app is. — 00:02:55

00:03:24 — Step two: build and optimise your profile, photos and prompts

  • ★ Ali takes his dating-photo tips from his interview with Logan Ury, head of relationship science at Hinge, and from blog posts by photographers who help clients with dating profiles. — 00:03:53
  • ★★ Citing photographers, Ali advises avoiding selfies on a dating profile, at most one of six photos; candid photos apparently do better than posed ones. (hedged) — 00:03:53
  • ★★ Ali advises only one or two group photos on a dating profile: enough to show a social life without leaving people wondering which person in the photo you are. — 00:03:53
  • ★★ Ali advises avoiding dating photos where you are surrounded by people of the opposite sex: apparently they can look try-hard or suggest you are into polyamory. (hedged) — 00:04:23
  • ★★ Ali suggests one black-and-white photo on a dating profile, which apparently increases its swipes by 106%. (hedged) — 00:04:23
  • ★★ Ali advises testing your dating photos on websites where members of the public say which photo is better. — 00:04:52
  • ★★★ Following Logan Ury, Ali advises specific answers to dating-profile prompts that give people chances to ask questions: for "a typical Sunday", rather than brunch or the gym, learning Ed Sheeran's "Eyes Closed" on the guitar. — 00:04:52
  • ★★ Ali advises presenting yourself accurately on a dating profile rather than putting on a front: a photo of you painting only if you really enjoy painting, or a match who loves painting finds you lied. — 00:05:21
  • ★★ Ali advises answering dating-profile prompts with positives: for "swipe right if", not "if you're not a Tory" or "if you're not into drama". — 00:06:18

00:06:28 — Sponsor read for Brilliant

00:07:46 — Step three: start matching; experiential versus evaluative mindset

  • ★★ Ali advises not setting dating-app filters too rigidly: filter only on a genuine deal breaker, such as only ever wanting to marry a Muslim. — 00:07:46
  • ★★★ Ali advises against a spray-and-pray strategy of swiping right on everyone: dating-app algorithms tend to value and boost engaged users who swipe on fewer people and message their matches. — 00:08:15
  • ★★ When swiping on dating apps, Ali says, it is often easy to find a reason to say no and to ask whether a person is really good enough. — 00:08:44
  • ★★ Logan Ury contrasts the evaluative mindset, judging someone against a rubric of whether they are good enough, with the experiential mindset of being in the moment and noticing how you feel. — 00:08:44 · first in: 2022-10-17, 8 Evidence-Based Tips that Helped Me Find Love

00:09:13 — Step four: chatting on the app, opening lines and time each day

  • ★★ When chatting on a dating app, Ali says, aim for a good text conversation so that you can meet up: the point of chatting is to meet in real life. — 00:09:13
  • ★★★ Following Logan Ury, Ali advises opening a dating-app chat with a specific comment on the person's profile rather than "how's it going": ask which Ed Sheeran song is their favourite, or make a non-obvious Harry Potter reference. — 00:10:12 · Harry Potter (book series)
  • ★★ When a profile gave him nothing specific to comment on, Ali opened with "how do you feel about McDonald's drive-through on a first date? Asking for a friend", which got a far higher response rate than generic profile comments. — 00:10:33 · McDonald's
  • ★★ Ali says taking dating seriously means keeping conversations going even when busy, devoting 15 minutes to half an hour every day to replying to messages and arranging dates. — 00:10:33

00:11:03 — Step five: going on dates, interesting dates and the second date

  • ★★ Ali advises asking a dating-app match out within a reasonable time, but not straight away, since women on dating apps especially have security concerns and want to check you out first. — 00:11:03
  • ★★ Ali's line for asking a match out: he is enjoying the conversation and would like to carry it on in person, suggesting a specific time such as this weekend or Thursday evening, which shows whether they want to know him better first. — 00:11:32
  • ★★ Ali's second rule for dates is to choose something a little more interesting than going out for dinner. — 00:11:58
  • ★★ Logan Ury says many dates are job interviews, with questions about what you studied, siblings and five-year plans that do not affect whether two people can be in a relationship. — 00:11:58 · first in: 2022-10-17, 8 Evidence-Based Tips that Helped Me Find Love
  • ★★★ Logan Ury suggests doing an activity on a date, such as trying to pet five dogs in a park or a dumpling tour of a street, so that even without a connection you had fun. — 00:12:28 · first in: 2022-10-17, 8 Evidence-Based Tips that Helped Me Find Love
  • ★★★ Ali's third rule for dates is to always go on the second date. — 00:12:57
  • ★★★ Logan Ury says we put too much pressure on first dates: treat one as a warm-up round and assume a second date unless something crazy, terrible or unsafe happens. — 00:13:26

00:13:53 — Step six: reflect on the date intentionally

  • ★★★ Ali advises reflecting on a date by how it made you feel, energised or drained, rather than assessing the person as in a job interview; feeling energised is generally a good sign. — 00:13:55 · energisers and drainers
  • ★★ Logan Ury's post-date eight are eight questions for deciding whether to see someone again, such as how you felt in your body around them and whether you feel curious about them. — 00:13:55

00:14:25 — Ali met his partner off the apps; How to Not Die Alone; sign-off

  • ★★★ Ali was on dating apps from university for 10 to 13 years, but around 18 months ago (about October 2021) he met someone not through a dating app, and they have been together since. — 00:14:25
  • ★★ Ali names Logan Ury's How to Not Die Alone as one of the books that really helped him and says it completely transformed his love life. — 00:14:25

Threads in this video

Where the stories that moved here went next

Mentioned

Central: Hinge · Logan Ury

Also: People: Ed Sheeran

Works: Harry Potter (book series) · How to Not Die Alone

Organizations: Harvard University · McDonald's · Stanford University

Concepts: energisers and drainers · experiential mindset · post-date eight · second date rule

Places: London

Products: Bumble · JSwipe · Muzz · Plenty of Fish · Tinder

Also centred on Logan Ury: This Book Changed my Love Life · 8 Evidence-Based Tips that Helped Me Find Love · Dating App Scientist Number 1 Dating Tip #shorts

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