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This Book Changed my Love Life

2021-11-09 · Long video (solo, talking head or whiteboard) · Ali · recording, 20:21 · watch on YouTube

Topic: Relationships and personal life · mode: List of tips or lessons · tags: Lesson from a book, Evidence-based framing, Sponsor segment present

In a Book Club episode on Logan Ury's How to Not Die Alone, which he says changed how he approaches his love life, Ali gives the book's four reasons dating is hard today and five tips: know your blind spots, satisfice rather than maximize, stop looking for prom dates, spread your wings, and decide, don't slide.

What is said

The parts of the video and what is said in each (★ — how much it matters to the video).

00:00:00 — Intro: How to Not Die Alone, four reasons and five tips

  • ★★ This Book Club episode, in Ali's series distilling and discussing highlights from his favourite books, is on Logan Ury's How to Not Die Alone: four reasons dating is hard, then five tips. — 00:00:00 · Book Club
  • ★★★ Ali says Logan Ury's How to Not Die Alone has genuinely changed how he approaches his love life. — 00:00:00

00:00:27 — Why dating is hard: personal identities, too many options, social media, a big decision

  • ★★ Following Logan Ury, Ali says dating is hard today first because people define their own personal identities more than in the past, when there was much less personal agency. — 00:00:29
  • ★★ The second reason dating is hard, Ali says, is too many options: people once married someone from their neighbourhood, but with all the dating apps, on all of which he has premium accounts, there is too much choice. — 00:00:58
  • ★★ Explaining the paradox of choice, Ali says that in studies people offered 24 jams to choose from are unlikely to choose any, while people offered four pick one. — 00:01:27
  • ★★ The third reason dating is hard, Ali says, is social media: we see the highlight reels of other couples and compare our own dating failures with them. — 00:01:53 · Instagram
  • ★★ The fourth reason dating is hard, Ali says, is that it is a big decision: he quotes Sheryl Sandberg of Facebook that the person you marry is the biggest decision of your career. — 00:02:48 · Facebook

00:03:22 — Why read a book about relationships

  • ★★★ Ali says research and our own experience show that relationships, romantic ones, friendships, family and colleagues, are the single most important thing in life. — 00:03:22
  • ★★ Ali thinks every person in the world should be reading and learning more about relationships. — 00:03:22
  • ★★ Ali calls The School of Life, Alain de Botton (as heard) and others who write about relationships fantastic, and adds Logan Ury to his list of relationship advisors. — 00:03:51
  • ★ Of the 100 or so podcasts Ali subscribes to, he says one or two are about relationships and 98 about productivity, making money and launching a business. — 00:04:22
  • ★★★ Ali calls relationships the main lever we can move to contribute to our happiness, and finds it weird that we do not spend more time thinking about them. — 00:04:22
  • ★★ Ali says that from now on he wants to talk more on his channel about friendships, relationships and love, which he has not really talked about before. — 00:04:22
  • ★★ To people who say love is meant to be experienced, not read about, Ali answers that for something as big as whom you marry, why wouldn't you read about it. — 00:05:00
  • ★★ Ali introduces Logan Ury as a relationship therapist who is now head of relationship science at Hinge, a dating app he has used extensively. — 00:05:00

00:05:18 — Tip 1: know your blind spots, the three dating tendencies

  • ★★ Ali's first tip from How to Not Die Alone is to know your dating blind spots, which Logan Ury calls the three dating tendencies: each of us fits one but has traits of all three. — 00:05:37
  • ★★★ After taking the quiz in How to Not Die Alone, Ali found he is definitely a maximizer, and sees being too much of one as why he has been struggling with his love life. — 00:06:55

00:07:17 — Tip 2: don't let perfect be the enemy of great, maximizers and satisficers

  • ★★★ Ali's second tip, don't let perfect be the enemy of great: following Logan Ury, be a satisficer rather than a maximizer, finding someone good enough and then working to make the relationship fantastic. — 00:07:26
  • ★★ Citing studies in How to Not Die Alone, Ali says that even a maximizer who finds the perfect person will be less happy in the relationship than a satisficer. — 00:09:08
  • ★★ Barry Schwartz (quoted): Barry Schwartz, author of The Paradox of Choice, writes that maximizers make good decisions and end up feeling bad about them, while satisficers end up feeling good about them. — 00:09:36
  • ★★★ Ali's third tip is to stop looking for prom dates: Logan Ury says present bias makes us prioritise the short term in relationships, looking for a prom date rather than a life partner. — 00:10:05

00:10:14 — Tip 3: stop looking for prom dates, traits of a life partner

  • ★★ Looking for a life partner, Ali says, means finding someone emotionally stable and kind: The Science of Happily Ever After names these the two most important traits when choosing a partner. — 00:11:18
  • ★★ Ali advises looking for a partner with a growth mindset, who is more likely to work together to overcome problems in the relationship than to call it quits. — 00:11:48
  • ★★ Following Logan Ury, Ali says to look for a partner who can fight well, communicating kindly and clearly, since fighting is a standard part of all relationships. — 00:11:48

00:12:35 — Tip 4: spread your wings, a lower bar, the spark, always a second date

  • ★★ Ali's first rule for going on dates is that we don't know what we want: the things we think we want mostly do not correlate with what brings long-term happiness. — 00:12:50
  • ★★ Ali says dating apps cannot measure the traits that matter, such as emotional stability, kindness, a growth mindset or fighting well, so we judge on superficial things that are easy to measure. — 00:12:50
  • ★★★ Ali's fourth tip, spread your wings, is to set a lower bar for the people you go on dates with, since you only get to know a person by meeting them. — 00:13:19
  • ★★ Ali admits he has been guilty of judging potential dates on superficial things in the past and is trying to get better at it. — 00:13:19
  • ★★ Ali says in passing that people should be using dating apps. — 00:13:19
  • ★★★ Ali says a study in How to Not Die Alone of 400 happily married couples found that only 11% had felt love at first sight, so the spark is not something to aim for. — 00:14:40
  • ★★ Following Logan Ury, Ali says to stop obsessing about the spark and focus on long-term life-partner qualities such as kindness, loyalty and emotional stability, a slow burn rather than a spark. — 00:14:40
  • ★★ Ali explains negativity bias: after a first date with two great hours, we dwell on the one awkward moment. — 00:15:24
  • ★★ Ali explains the fundamental attribution error on dates: someone five minutes late is judged as a person who does not respect others' time, though there are many possible reasons. — 00:16:23
  • ★★★ Logan Ury's advice, as Ali relays it, is to always go on a second date, provided the other person wants to, unless the person is clearly a psychopath. — 00:16:23
  • ★★ Ali once had a three-date rule, because most of his crushes at school and university were not love at first sight but grew after knowing someone as a friend. — 00:16:52
  • ★★ Ali says he is glad Logan Ury advocates a two-date rule rather than a three-date rule: always go for a second date, because you never know what might happen. — 00:16:52

  • ★★★ Ali's fifth tip, decide, don't slide: rather than sliding into exclusivity, moving in or marriage, actively decide these big steps with your partner, which he calls very good life advice generally. — 00:17:24

    “decide don't slide”

00:17:37 — Tip 5: decide, don't slide

00:18:39 — Skillshare sponsor read and sign-off

Threads in this video

Where the stories that moved here went next

Mentioned

Central: decide, don't slide · How to Not Die Alone · Logan Ury · satisficing · three dating tendencies

Also: People: Alain de Botton · Barry Schwartz · Carol Dweck · Sheryl Sandberg · Ty Tashiro

Projects: Book Club

Works: Mindset · The Paradox of Choice · The Science of Happily Ever After

Organizations: Facebook · Instagram · Netflix · The School of Life

Concepts: fundamental attribution error · growth mindset · negativity bias · paradox of choice · present bias · prom date

Products: Hinge

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