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7 Daily Habits that Improved My Relationship

2023-07-14 · Book summary (Book Club) · Ali, a guest, Ali Abdaal (channel) · recording, 16:30 · watch on YouTube

Topic: Relationships and personal life · mode: List of tips or lessons · tags: Lesson from a book, Evidence-based framing, Sponsor segment present, Family

In a Book Club episode Ali presents seven habits from John and Julie Gottman's book The 7 Day Love Prescription, with soundbites from his interview with them: respond to bids for connection, ask big questions, say thank you sincerely, give genuine compliments, communicate your needs, reach out and touch, and create rituals of connection such as a weekly date night.

What is said

The parts of the video and what is said in each (★ — how much it matters to the video).

00:00:00 — Living longer through relationships

  • ★★ Ali recently spoke to John and Julie Gottman, world-famous relationship experts and psychologists, to learn about the common mistakes people make in relationships and how to improve his own. — 00:00:00
  • ★★ a guest: In a soundbite from Ali's interview, the Gottmans say that people whose relationships were high in quality and whose marriage made them happy would live 10 to 15 years longer. — 00:00:00
  • ★★ Ali's seven habits for stronger relationships come from the Gottmans' book The 7 Day Love Prescription, the subject of this Book Club episode. — 00:00:26 · Book Club
  • ★★ Ali describes the Gottmans' Love Lab study: 130 newlywed couples spent a weekend in the lab doing their usual activities while researchers observed every detail, to see years later what predicted the outcome of their relationships. — 00:00:26

00:00:40 — The connection bid habit

  • ★★★ A bid for connection, Ali explains, is a person's attempt to connect with another person by seeking their attention, affection or support, such as a touch on the arm, a sigh or asking how your day was. — 00:00:55
  • ★★★ The first habit from The 7 Day Love Prescription is to recognise bids for connection and respond to them appropriately; these small acts are the building blocks of emotional health in relationships. — 00:01:24
  • ★★ Of the three ways to respond to a bid for connection (turning toward, turning away, turning against), Ali calls turning against, such as snapping at a partner who points out a bird, the most destructive. — 00:02:26
  • ★★★ a guest: In a soundbite, the Gottmans say the 17 couples who divorced within six years of the wedding had turned toward bids only 33% of the time, while couples still together had turned toward them 86% of the time. — 00:02:55

00:03:44 — The quizzical habit

  • ★★ Ali says psychology professor Arthur Aron, who created the 36 questions, found that university students who answered them together felt closer and more connected than students who solved a problem together. — 00:04:13
  • ★★ Ali explains closeness communication bias: as we get to know someone we become less curious about them and end up not listening to them as much as we should. — 00:04:42
  • ★★★ The second habit of The 7 Day Love Prescription is to ask big questions: stay as curious about a partner as possible, however long you have been together, because there is always more to uncover. — 00:05:11
  • ★★★ Ali says one of the habits that has most improved his relationship is a regular relationship review he has done with his girlfriend for the last two years. — 00:05:11

00:05:41 — Notion sponsor read

00:06:54 — The gratitude habit

  • ★★ The Gottmans' four horsemen that destroy connection are criticism (attacking character rather than an issue), contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. — 00:07:08
  • ★★ a guest: In a soundbite, the Gottmans say the four horsemen predict with over 90% accuracy whether a couple will be together happily, unhappily or separated six years later. — 00:07:08
  • ★★★ The third habit, to help avoid the four horsemen, is to say thank you more often: train your brain to notice what people do right, then thank them with sincerity. — 00:07:37
  • ★★ Ali says catching people doing something right and thanking them for it is also a good strategy for leading and managing a team. — 00:08:07
  • ★★ Ali says a sincere thank-you, such as thanking a partner in detail for making the morning coffee, makes the other person feel much better than a casual "hey, thanks". — 00:08:36

00:09:05 — The admiration habit

  • ★★★ The fourth habit is to give real and genuine compliments: admiration of a partner, friends or family does not happen by default and must be practised, and it is the foundation of a healthy relationship. — 00:09:11
  • ★★★ a guest: In a soundbite, the Gottmans say the masters of relationships had five times as much positive emotion as negative even in conflict. — 00:09:40
  • ★★ a guest: In a soundbite, the Gottmans say the disasters of relationships averaged a ratio of positive to negative of 0.8 in conflict. — 00:10:10
  • ★★ Ali is trying to actively notice the positive qualities of his partner, friends and family and sincerely express his admiration; it feels a bit cringe at times but has given good results so far. — 00:10:10

00:10:32 — The overcommunicate habit

  • ★★★ The fifth habit is to communicate what you need and how you are feeling, because no one, however empathetic, is a mind reader. — 00:11:00
  • ★★ Ali says he really struggles with communicating his needs and feelings in relationships, and it is a work in progress. — 00:11:00
  • ★★ a guest: In a soundbite, the Gottmans advise raising a need as a positive request ("I would love it if you clean the dishes three times a week") rather than what you dislike or resent, which sounds like criticism. — 00:11:37
  • ★★ Ali says a bunch of studies show people experienced a significant decrease in physical touch during the COVID pandemic, which increased loneliness and affected mental health. — 00:11:37 · COVID-19

00:11:58 — The hug habit

  • ★★★ The sixth habit is to reach out and touch; the book's mini practice is a checklist: kiss for six seconds, hug for 20 seconds, hold hands, trade a 10-minute massage, cuddle on the couch. — 00:12:55

00:13:12 — The ritual habit

  • ★★ Ali cites a 2002 study by the Sloan Center at UCLA: couples spent only 10% of their time alone together and averaged just 35 minutes of conversation a week, mostly about household logistics. — 00:13:24
  • ★★★ a guest: In a soundbite, the Gottmans name creating rituals of connection, activities with a partner that are planned and agreed in advance, as one of their favourite things to do. — 00:13:53
  • ★★★ Ali says the Gottmans recommend, and nearly every happy couple he knows has, a regular date night: an evening set aside every week, sacred in the calendar. — 00:14:52
  • ★★ Ali suggests using rituals of connection beyond romance, given what he calls an epidemic of loneliness, apparently especially among men, who struggle to make and keep friends because everyone is busy. — 00:14:52
  • ★★ Ali's rituals: Tuesday evenings are social evenings with friends, he and his brother and sister-in-law host a weekly Sunday brunch for whoever is in London, and he takes a quarterly weekend getaway with medical school friends. — 00:15:21 · Taimur Abdaal, London
  • ★★★ Ali says that without systemising a relationship with a ritual that keeps it running, it is too easy to let it fall by the wayside, a shame because relationships are the most important thing in life. — 00:15:50
  • ★★ Ali calls Logan Ury's How to Not Die Alone probably the single best book he has read about relationships. (hedged) — 00:15:50
  • ★★ Ali's full interview with John and Julie Gottman is out on his podcast Deep Dive, on podcast apps and on the Deep Dive YouTube channel. — 00:15:50 · Deep Dive

In the description and comments

  • ★ Ali Abdaal (channel): Answering a viewer, the channel says it does not speed up its videos in post-production. — creator comment

Threads in this video

Where the stories that moved here went next

Mentioned

Central: bids for attention · four horsemen · John Gottman · Julie Gottman · rituals of connection · The 7 Day Love Prescription

Also: People: Arthur Aron · Izzy Sealey · Logan Ury · Taimur Abdaal

Projects: Book Club · Deep Dive

Works: Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire · How to Not Die Alone

Concepts: closeness communication bias · COVID-19

Places: London

Characters: Harry Potter (character, “Harry Potter”) · Ron Weasley

Also centred on bids for attention: Monthly Favourites #3 - Ali Abdaal

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